Friday, November 21, 2014

Thinking the hard thoughts

The last few days have been shit. Really. It's that simple.
It's not a new thing. Sadly.
It's that I'm tired of smacking into the same wall - this happens every now and then (not the wall - that freaking thing is always there but the becoming tired of it).

I'm upset.
I'm angry.
I'm tired.
I'm getting nowhere.
I've arrived at a place where I can't see the point in doing what I love anymore.
It hurts.

I thought the reason psychobyte took so long to write (yeah okay not long for most people but long for me) was because I was distracted by what was happening in my life.
But that's not why I couldn't finish the freaking book.
The reason it took so long was because I couldn't see the point in writing any more.
I'm not getting anywhere. In fact I'm going backwards.

People say they'll do something and they don't. That's normal. People promise reviews in this industry all the time and don't follow through. That's how it is. It hurts more when they know how important reviews are to sales.
Usually it annoys me but I move on.
Then, the Pollyanna in me takes hold and I try again ... stupidly expecting a different result? Yeah, it's always the same result. Me disappointed and having given away books for nothing.

So here's the thing.
I need to sell books or there is no point writing. It's now vital that I sell or the kids won't eat.
Going from being a best seller (killerbyte) to selling pretty much nothing - is gutting. Especially when there is no reason for it.
Okay, there must be a reason, whatever we were doing in 2009/2010/2011 worked a fuck lot better than whatever is happening now. But the thing is - I don't know what's changed.
Management. Yes, that's changed.
But that should've had a positive affect on sales not a negative one.

So what's changed?
I really don't know!

I feel like I'm on my own now and I never did back in the early days with Rebel. Yes, I have thought about this before. I've even talked about how I feel abandoned and considered whether I should move on or not.
It maybe a case of my loyalty being detrimental to the furthering of my career?
The thing is ... nothing's changed in that regard.
It'd be a lot easier to move on with a proven sales record! Without it I'm kinda trapped.
And I am trapped - I feel trapped. Going round in circles isn't fun.

It makes sense to try a few things on my own - because so many people have told me that I should - that it'll be great and that I'll be getting all the profits from sales - you know what?
All of nothing is still nothing.
Waste of time.

At this point everything is a waste of time.
I'm not reaching the people I need to reach and I don't know how to reach them or how to increase sales.
Doesn't matter how many people I ask or talk to - I get no answer that helps me at all.
There are plenty of avenues open to self-published authors (in that regard) as long as they can afford to pay for the services.
There doesn't seem to be anything out there for authors with small publishers.
My books should be being included in the Man Booker prize and every other book prize going - but being with a small publisher means that's not an option.
They can't afford it. I can't afford it.
Books in stores (mass produced paperbacks) again - isn't going to happen when you're with a small publisher it's cost prohibitive.
So are audio books.
There are big chunks of the reading market unavailable because the money isn't there to make it happen.
As for advertising. There is none.
Ironic really - if sales were better the money would be there and therefore generate more sales.
Catch 22, much?

Up shot is ... I'm not writing.
I can write through death and chaos - in fact I write really well then - but I can't write like this.

I can't write when I'm doubting my ability to tell a story.
I can't write when I feel like I've failed.
I can't write when I feel completely isolated and lost.
I can't write when there is no one reading.

Normal service will resume later - maybe.

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