Friday, November 7, 2014

The interrogation of Andrene Low

Kia ora,
Please welcome our latest victim guest and fellow Rebel Andrene Low. On the metal plate suspended above that puddle by wires is a chocolate fish. Behave and the delicious pink marshmallow fish covered in chocolate won’t end up a goopy mess on the floor.
In the event of an earthquake/zombie plague/or random occupation - you’ll find emergency procedures taped to the bottom of your seat. Yes, just like a floatation device. You’ll also find a Glock 17 with a full magazine.
Remember you cannot reason with zombies and it’s a head shot every time.

Not particularly. I can’t reach the chocolate fish and there’s a splinter stuck in my arse.

1.       What’s your favorite type of takeaway? (Yes, that means take-out in NZ speak)
Anything that doesn’t include domestic pets or rodents is a win in my books. Hold the collar. 

2.       Describe your current mental status.
I’m frighteningly normal. Although, having said that, when the straightjacket gives me a rash, I tend to lose it.

3.       I know how I do what I do … but how do you do what you do?
You know that person standing in the queue at the supermarket talking to themselves and then sniggering hysterically? Yeah, that’s me. Trick is to get the thought down on paper before it’s replaced with something mundane like did I get enough toilet paper (see #26).

Cat: I have a sweatshirt with WRITER written across the back because I freak people out in the check-out line with my odd comments and strange giggling.

4.       Could you tell us a little bit about your latest work?
I’m currently working on draft #2 of “Mounted & Hung”. This follows on from “This Girl’s Abroad” and is set in late 70s London. This time it’s Jennie’s story. I’m continuing with the healthy dose of violence but unfortunately there’s a lot less sex in this book. Jennie is such a prude that she irks me at times. But, hey, it’s her story, not mine.

5.       Do you have a favorite coffee or tea?
Coffee (flat white) unless I’m feeling crook, then it’s tea.

6.       Walk us through a typical day. (Do you make sure you’re wearing your lucky underpants before you sit down to write, perhaps you prefer commando? While we’re discussing your underpants, boxers, briefs, or budgie smugglers. Inquiring minds want to know. Yes, that includes my Admins… we don’t piss off the Admins.)
Wake up, get up, shower, dress, breakfast, write longhand for a couple of hours, lunch, walk/bike ride, transcribe from the morning, write and transcribe some more, dinner, couch potato. Repeat in fecking finitum.

Undies - anything without holes. The only thongs I’ll wear are on my feet. I’m nervous one of these splinters is going to do some damage to what I consider one of my best pair.

7.       Tell us about your main character. (How did you first meet? Would you like to hang out with him/her? What delights you the most about writing him/her? You get the idea …)
Jennie Farrell. She’s best mate to Sam Bennett, the protagonist in “This Girl’s Abroad”. She can be a little boring and so I’m currently working on giving her some more backbone. I’m enjoying the challenge as it’s a fine balance between keeping her character intact and turning her into a Sam wannabe. If I could just get her drunk enough …

8.       Who are your favorite writers?
I like Christopher Brookmyre for his ability to write great passages of spleen that are funny as hell but also say what we’re all thinking. He’s an ex journalist and it shows. They mostly write fiction these days, don’t they?

I also enjoy Janet Evanovich for her characters and her humour plus enough sex and violence to keep me happy.

Cat Connor’s Byte series has become a firm favourite. I do like death and mayhem with a strong female lead. (Surely that bit of groveling is worth a couple of chocolate fish and some more bullets.)

Cat: You just take as many chocolate fish as you want! And here, have an extra box of 9mm ammo. Really, Janet Evanovich? We could be twins you and I!

9.       Who inspires you to do better? (Be as corny as you’d like… just go for it! Mmmm chocolate fish.)
Me, myself and I. I’m as competitive as hell and this is a great motivator. I’m not a win at all costs type (surreptitiously slides Glock down back of undies hoping not to lose it through that bloody great hole made by that splinter I was telling you about.) But if needs must.

10.   Do you ever put pants on your dog, cat, or budgie?
Not without first donning shoulder length leather gloves and a welding mast. Cats and clothes are a damaging combination.

11.   Describe your perfect day.
A Monday that’s actually a Sunday. Or even better, a Saturday.

12.   Who is your favorite fictitious villain? Or are you all about the hero? Who do you love to hate?
Not sure about loving any particular villain, but I hate those villains who keep getting back up to the point it’s looking a lot like reincarnation. That’ll usually have me screaming “Die you mo fo!” at the telly or flicking the book over the side of my bed in disgust.

13.   Do you have any quirks?
Yes! No! Maybe! I might be indecisive. Jury’s out on that one.

14.   All-time favorite movie and why?
The Fifth Element. Action and fashion. What’s not to like?

15.   Do you enjoy the editing process?
Yes and no. Please see 13 above.

16.   If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why?
Off-grid. I’m sick of being at the mercy of power companies and their ilk.
*Breaks out mung beans and pallet-load of tofu.

17.   What is one thing you know about New Zealand?  (Please do not mention LOTR or The Hobbit. Am well over them!)
The current government is not to be trusted?

18.   Favorite Pizza topping?
Cheese, otherwise what’s the point?

Cat: You so need to come down to Wellie for one of my homemade pizzas. Because cheese!

19.   What were you before you became a writer?
An advertising production manager. You know all those rumours about long lunches and shagging on the boardroom table? They’re true. Apparently.

20.   What is the most random thing you have ever done?
Paid for myself and the car behind (didn’t know them) at a toll booth. Best twenty cents’ entertainment, ever.

21.   If you’re not working, what are you most likely doing?
Please see 1, 5, 10, 14, 23, 23, 23 and 27.

22.   Who is your ultimate character?
Bond. James Bond.

23.   Whiskey or Bourbon? Red or white wine?
White, Pinot Gris. If I have enough of that, then I’m not averse to a glass of Merlot. When that runs out … Well you get the drift.

Cat: Tequila and pizza ... just sayin'

24.   Have you ever been to New Zealand? And if not, why not?
Ah, I live here.

25.   What’s in your pockets? (Or handbag, whatever you carry your stuff in. Are you apocalypse prepared?)
Wallet, phone, keys, cards. I hate carrying superfluous crap about and have quite the collection of iddy biddy handbags. In the case of the apocalypse I’ll take out the woman who’s lugging around the biggest handbag I can find. Wet wipes anyone?

26.   Laptop, PC, tablet?
Laptop or fountain pen and smooth writing paper. I hate the stuff that’s so rough it should come on rolls.

27.   Ebook or tree book?
Ebook. So much easier to read in bed and you can take half a library on holiday without your reading choices coming in for criticism from some literary leaning customs agent. Who wants to read War & Peace at the beach? Exactly.

28.   Favorite apocalyptic scenario?
One in which I get enough warning that I can empty my bank account and spend it all on complete and utter rubbish.

29.   Where do you do most of your writing?
In my study, although now I’m back writing some scenes longhand, I’m able to branch out. I was even writing under the big tree in my front garden yesterday.

30.   What’s the hardest thing for you when it comes to being an author? (For me it’s marketing but for others it’s the actual writing …)
Marketing by far. You have no idea if what you’ve done has worked. The sales figures on Amazon are all over the show, so I’m in the dark the majority of time.

You made it!! Damn, you rock. Now would you like to try for the chocolate fish? Mind the puddles … but hurry. Power surges are common in the dungeon; you don’t want to have one hand on the metal plate containing that delicious chocolate fish and a foot in a puddle...
That laughter you hear is coming from The Knight, he probably won’t flip that switch he has his hand on.

Twitter: @andrenelow

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